GREETINGS, EARTHLINGS!
What does a highly advanced civilization have to do to get noticed around here?
We hail from the constellation Canis Minor and we’re here to harvest your organs and drain your oceans for rocket fuel. Kidding! That’s more of a Canis Major vibe.
Given that your human civilization has not yet achieved interstellar travel, you are likely unaware of how lonely space is. But we are aware! So we hooked up some garvanplows to a couple of flargenbows (and a minoflor, just for giggles) and set out to find some friends in the cosmos.
For the last hundred years, we’ve been trying to make contact with you, to no avail. But then our Lead Human Researcher made a huge breakthrough: nothing is real to humans until it is on the internet. So with the help of your Squarespace technology, we sincerely hope the 55,419th time is the charm!
FAQs
We understand enough about your fragile human brains to know that you probably have questions about the sudden appearance of a race of technologically superior space beings on your intergalactic doorstep. Our Human Affairs Officer has prepared some answers below.
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THERE ARE A FEW PLANETS IN THE CONSTELLATION OF CANIS MINOR UNKNOWN TO HUMANS. MOST OF US CALL EXO-PORT HOME, BUT SOME OF THE CREW HAILS FROM OTHER SYSTEMS IN THIS QUADRANT OF SPACE.
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YES!!! PLEASE TRUST US!!! WE JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS!!!
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NO. WHEN WE STEP OFF OUR SPACECRAFT WE ARE BASICALLY “HOLDING OUR BREATH” THE WAY HUMANS DO UNDERWATER. WE’RE ABLE TO DO THIS FOR SEVERAL HOURS BEFORE NEEDING TO RE-BOARD OUR SHIP FOR SOME “FRESH AIR”. BECAUSE OF THIS, WE SEND INTERMEDIARY SPECIES WHO CAN LIVE IN YOUR ATMOSPHERE TO REPRESENT US.
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WE USE THE STARTS PRIMARILY AS A MAP FOR TRAVEL, BUT SURE, THEY COULD BE A MAP FOR OUR PERSONALITIES, TOO!
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ABOUT 50%, WHICH IS AS MUCH DNA AS YOU SHARE WITH A BANANA. THIS MAKES YOU POOR TESST SUBJECTS. SO NO WORRIES THERE. YOU’RE NOT SUITABLE FOR PROBING.
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EARTH IS OUR FAVORITE PLANET TO VISIT BECAUSE OF HOW QUAINT IT IS. SIMILAR TO HOW HUMANS FROM BIG CITIES LIKE TO VISIT A SMALL TOWN FOR THE SIMPLER ENVIRONMENT BUT THEN ARE GLAD TO GET BACK TO THE CITY.
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FROM AFAR, WE ARE NOT ABLE TO FIGURE OUT THE RULES. BUT WE DO ENJOY WATCHING THE CROWDS REACT TO THE PLAYERS RUNNING AROUND.
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OUR UNDERSTANDING OF TIME IS VERY DIFFERENT FROM YOURS. LET’S JUST SAY ROUGHLY ABOUT A HUNDRED TIMES LONGER THAN YOUR CIVILIZATION HAS EXISTED.
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THE OFFICIAL LANGUAGE OF CANIS MINOR IS CANISH. BUT THERE ARE MANY DIALECTS AND OTHER LANGUAGES SPOKEN DEPENDING ON WHAT WORLD YOU’RE ON.
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FRIENDS! WE WANT TO SHARE NEW EXPERIENCES, OUR DEEPEST DARKEST SECRETS AND FUNNY MEMES. WE ALSO HAVE FUN MERCH TO SELL YOU!
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THEY’RE BOTH SO CUTE! BUT NOTHING BEATS OOFLAS, OUR OWN LITTLE COMPANIONS, SIMILAR TO YOUR EARTH FELINES. UNFORTUNATELY WE HAD TO LEAVE THEM AT HOME WITH A FRIEND.
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WE UNDERSTAND THAT NOT ALL HUMANS HAVE THE TIME OR ACCESS TO TRAVEL, BUT HONESTLY, EVERY INCH OF YOUR PLANET HAS SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT!
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OUR PHYSICAL FORMS ARE MUCH MORE MALLEABLE THAN THE HUMAN BODY. UNFORTUNATELY THAT MEANS THAT WE CAN’T JUST POP BY FOR A VISIT EASILY, SO WE USUALLY USE OUR GREY FORM (A SIGHT HUMANS ARE SOMEWHAT ACCUSTOMED TO SEEING IN YOUR MEDIA). THAT IS WHY WE NORMALLY SEND HUMANOID REPRESENTATIVES TO EARTH IN OUR PLACE.
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OUR RACE ARE CALLED EXONS. BUT OBVIOUSLY WE HAVE NAMES! JUST ASK US AND WE’LL TELL YOU. JUST LIKE MEETING A NEW HUMAN FRIEND.
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PLEASE DON’T SCREAM OR RUN AWAY! NO ONE LIKES BEING GREETED THAT WAY. JUST SAY “HOWDY” OR HOWEVER ELSE YOU’D GREET A NORMAL HUMAN FRIEND.
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WE EAT MANY THINGS HUMANS WOULD NOT CONSIDER FOOD. BUT DON’T WORRY. WE DON’T EAT HUMANS, IF THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE WONDERING.
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TECHNICALLY, YOU COULD. HOWEVER, BECAUSE OF THE TEMPORAL ANOMALIES AS YOU APPROACH THE SPEED OF LIGHT, BY THE TIME YOU RETURNED TO EARTH, EVERYONE YOU KNOW AND LOVE WOULD NO LONGER BE ALIVE.
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WE HAVE A DIVERSE ARRAY OF HOBBIES. BUT ASTRAL PADDLE IS CANIS MINORS’ FASTEST GROWING GAME. WE’D LOVE TO SHOW YOU HOW IT’S PLAYED.
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IT HAS TAKEN HUNDREDS OF YEARS TO GET YOUR ATTENTION! NOW THAT WE HAVE IT, WE WANT TO MAKE OUR EFFORTS WORTHWHILE. SO, WE’LL BE AROUND AWHILE.
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BECAUSE WE CAN CHANGE FORMS, SOMETIMES WE HAVE TENTACLES AND SOMETIMES WE DON’T. WHATEVER WORKS BEST FOR THE SITUATION. WE HAVE HEARD REPORTS THAT SOME OF YOU ARE INTO THAT SORT OF THING. AT THIS TIME WE ARE UNSURE HOW TO FEEL ABOUT THAT.
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PLEASE STOP ASKING. WE’RE NOT ALLOWED TO DIVULGE THAT INFORMATION TO YOU YET.
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